My Son Wears Dresses: You Curious?
By Erica Ehm
My son likes to wear dresses. There, I’ve said it. Since he was a toddler, he’s been attracted to all things beautiful. At dress up parties, while the boys were putting on evil monster costumes, my son got lost in the pastel colours and silky fabrics of princess gowns. It was cute. When he turned five, it became uncomfortable.
If you knew me at all, you’d know I am the most liberal, free spirited person in North Toronto. I cherish my son’s individual taste and his well-developed imagination. His penchant for pretty said to me he had a highly developed esthetic sensibility. I believe my son has the makings of an artist.
Around me, the reactions were very different. Clusters of family members began to display discomfort for my son’s preferences. What started as whispers amongst each other became a series of warnings. I was told I was “damaging Josh by letting him wear dresses. I was confusing him. I was turning him gay”. The situation was getting ugly and spiraling out of control.
The rest of the family was appalled at this attitude. They were more concerned with my son’s wellbeing. “He’s just expressing himself. It’s just a stage. It will pass”.
Battle lines were drawn. My husband and I were caught in the middle.
Josh knew something was up. He had been told several times from “helpful” family members that dressing up was inappropriate for a boy. He did it anyway. But there was an increasing secrecy in his behaviour accompanied by anxiety. I was worried.
My husband was torn. Half of him wanted my son to feel free to express himself. But there was a greater concern that his son display more male behaviour. That’s when our fights started. My son’s love of dresses started to affect our family dynamic and our marriage. We had to take some action.
I asked around amongst my yummy mummy girlfriends, and a child psychologist was highly recommended. A month later my husband and I sat in her office, a box of Kleenex close at hand.
After hearing about our emotionally charged situation, she spoke. “Your son needs to stop wearing dressing immediately.” I was shocked. “What? What about his imagination? His individuality? His love of all things beautiful?” I grabbed another Kleenex .
She explained that one of the ways children understand their place in society is the way they dress. At his age, wearing dresses isn’t socially acceptable behaviour and warned he would likely become a pariah amongst his school friends. The fact that he was anxious while dressing girly also didn’t sit well with her. What he needed, she prescribed, was for us to give him firm guidelines with an explanation. To satisfy his artist self, she suggested we provide Josh with a box of art materials so he can design, draw and write about dresses to his hearts content. Female clothing was fine as long as it was on paper and not on his body
I wiped my tears, my husband drew a sigh of relief and we went home to chat with him.
“Josh”, I said, paraphrasing the psychologist’s words. “What would you think if you saw a fireman wearing a dress? Or, what if your teacher wore her pajamas to school? You’d think that’s strange, right? We wear clothes so people understand who we are. You’re a boy so you need to wear boy’s clothes. So no more dresses, ok?”
I swear I saw relief pass over his face. He smiled, said, “OK”, and jumped off the bed. It was that simple.
It’s been two months and Josh hasn’t gone near a dress since. He’s happier, less moody and more playful. And so am I.
PS, If anybody out there needs some slightly used princess dresses size 6, let me know
Author site: Erica Ehm | View all articles by Erica Ehm
Topics: Lifestyle, Yummy Mummy |
Subscribe to the RSS feed
January 31st, 2008 at 8:50 pm
If girls can wear both dresses and pants, boys can too. Let and encourage your sone to wear dresses.
June 8th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Again society forces it’s “norms” upon a young mind. Who’s to say what’s right, and what’s wrong?! BE YOURSELF. LET YOUR KIDS BE THEMSELVES.
July 26th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I agree with others who commented.
What therapist in the world out there is going to tell you that your daughter has to wear a dress and it not allowed to climb trees. Heaven forbid!
But for my son to not get to wear a dress or play with a barbie, even when it’s just around us, is considered wrong? I’m sorry. Has anyone ever heard of “double standards”?
My son is a Speed Racer fanatic. He also loves Nancy Drew (one of his fav movies). He is a Scooby fan and has played every character but Scooby. I think that if he wants to pretend to be some of his favorite characters, male or female, that he should have the freedom to do so without persecution from small minded people, such as your therapist.
September 29th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
You know in a few more years you will see more and more male models in skirts and dresses just as soon as the clothing industry figures out a way to make a dress that a male will look good in,and sell the fashon trend to the general public.It is only a matter of time, and the general outlook of “norms” will shift. hey what the hell on a nice warm breezy spring day in an open bottom garment sounds like very coumfortable fun.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
i belive that most guys that like to wear ladies clothes..ARE NOT GAY!!!! people should do what they want! for a guy its probaily best to find a female friend to go out with in drag. ladies clothes are just a turn on for some guys..and mabey find it easier to talk to women that way. this world needs to be more accpecting of each other!!! THERE ARE MUCH BIGGER PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD!!
December 7th, 2008 at 12:29 am
My son is almost 5 and LOVES anything that has to do with princesses, flowy, beautiful dresses, and anything feminine.
He plays with trucks too but would much rather look at the pretty things that girls have.
I am so worried about people teasing him and find that the girls tend to be worse than most boys and he has a harder time with the girls criticism.
He has recently started taking his barbies to school with him and I asked if they tease him and he said “not much” but he doesn’t care.
I worry but I am starting to think that maybe he will become one of the most famous fashion designers ever as he has excellent taste!
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:22 am
My very gorgeous 5 yr old son jack loves his barbies.
He has always loved ‘barbie’ and all dolls simalar, he loves troll dolls because they seem more NORM.
He loves Dora, He loves to play playstation games where he gets a choice of beibg the girl or boy player and my son JACK, who is normal and built physically in ever way as a strong masculine muscular boy, always picks the girl as himself to play the games.
He recently had an “all about me” folder come home from school.
On one particular page it had in writing “and in my house i like to’ then you opened the pasted doors to the drawen house and Jack wrote ‘Play with my dolls’
My mother found it funny as a thing to keep when Jack turned 18.
Everybody else in the family found it amusing also a bit uncomfortable.
I didnt know how to react,my gorgeous boy , who many people said is too pretty to be a boy, is trully now my worry.
From 2 yrs of age he has love dolls, fairies, girls pretty things and especially long hair.
He used to and sometimes still does put teatowels or long pants on his head to pretend he has long hair.
We showed him pictures of male models with long hair to let him know boys can have long hair too.
It didnt realy matter because he really love girls lng hair.
his little brother who is 11mths younger than Jack gets angry with him and tells him to stop putting the dress ups on and the clothing used for long hair,Jack gets embarrased and tries to make up fantasy stories to his younger brother as excuses for his dressing up.
he is a strong boy who is also interested in boys thinga but girls things is what he loves best
He is our son and no matter what he choices to be in life, i am here for him no matter what
i love my son for who he is and ho ever he choses to be.
May 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Freedom of expression helps to unleash the creative powers we all posses but often cannot develop due to cultural taboos.
Your son is lucky to have you as an understanding mother, Kerry.
I don’t think you need to worry about your him too much, except that I would make clear to his brother that he has to stop pestering him about this because that might force Jack into living a lie.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I’m so glad I read your article. My son loves to wear dresses and loves everything beautiful too. Being a Christian, I strongly believe, a boy should be a boy. So I told him only girls wear dresses and boys should not wear dresses. He still loves dresses and everything princess related. But he knows those are girl stuff. And I told him that when he grows up, he will marry a beautiful princess.
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I’m a step-mom with a 9 yr old step son who lives with us weekends. I’d have no problem if he wanted to wear dresses, be girly, etc. Problem is, he doesn’t, but his mother wants him to. No, that’s not right… she insists. Buys him very girly clothes (for home, not for school thank heavens), keeps his hair way too long for a boy, and has been known to curl it. Poor kid, just wants to be a boy, but she won’t let him. I wonder how it will all turn out.
October 3rd, 2009 at 2:59 am
Hey if your son likes and wants to wear dresses whats the big deal mlaes should be allowed to wear whatever they want wonmmen sure do and they have been doing this for 70 plus yeras noone makes a big deal about them crossdressing but giys in skirts dresses slips and want to wear and to be more feminine no you still can not do this this is all terrible wrong what a guy wants to wear is really noones elses busniess!
so your sone wants to dress up like a girl and to be much more gilry gilr so what they are far wrose things in this old world he could be sadistic and want to be hurnting stuff which only leads to far worse when he become and is forced to be mlae which he very problay does not realy want to be nayway so let him dress as he wants and if and when he comes to you and says he likes being a girl well then let him be what he is suppose to be above all do no put him down this only hurts and confuses far more maybe he really is just one of the girls only he can really decide this all you can do is encourage it there is no crime with wanting to be female none whatsoever just what society dumps on you that’s about the whole of it really!
October 16th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
I think you should let the boy explore it not going to hurt anyone but your clothes and they can be washed. its better than having him out killing or raping girls, ain’t it?
October 17th, 2009 at 4:54 am
The fact that little boys like to dress-up or play with dolls is new. Most boys at 5 or 6 don’t know the sexual differences (not physical), and these are not displayed on toy dolls (barbie/G I Joe). However if a boy of 9 or higher likes to wear dresses it could be because they are transgendered or intersexed. no amount of talking will suppress this and may actually lead to more bad behavior. Talk to your son, learn from him why he likes to wear dresses or skirts, watch his behavior around other children. Is he more friendly with girls than boys (odd for most 9 yr olds). Is he more reserved or less boisterous. these are questions you, as the parent, need to resolve first.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
now let me get this strainght you had to ask a doctor about how your sone wants to be i really fail to see why this was nessary at all the kid would know how he wants to be kids know how it feels and what it is like to be different because they are not dumped on yet but if you question him now it may just backfire on you later when he comes to a realization that girls are better then boys in a whole lot of wasy and not jsut the clothing although that can also make a huge difference
i really fail to see why a mlae must be restriced from being whi and what and how he feels he should be
!
why is it that we are still letting society dictate to us how we should dress girls and women have had the rights for decaeds now on dress but let a male put on feminine clothing and he is outcast just how fair is that
i mean really think on it mlaes in feminine clothing which really only mkase real sense the clothing is far more comfortable for males skirts dreses slips panties for males and even when they are children hey why do we have to restaict how and male and or female is let the kid do what he wants if and when he wants to wear drseses let him!
i know i would not have been so confused as i still am if i had only told someone when i was littel that i wated to wear girly girl coths come on let us be who and what and how we are!
i love wearing girls cloths and it is only to right to be allowed to do so
i say we take it to the limit and jsut beyond then and only then will males ever be truly free more later!
December 14th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
this is coming from a transgendered person. as a kid i was very depressed because I was raised by my father and mother who are old fashion when it comes to gender. Im am a boy on the outside but on the inside I am a sweat girl. and my parents never understood that. every time i would start becoming feminine they would push more boys things at me. And this was hurting me emotionally. But i would go and stay at my cousins house on the weekends and weeks at a time during the summer. there i was free to be the girl i wanted to be.
Now that was my childhood. I am now a person who has confined himself/herself to my room. Im am very depressed cause i never got to express the real me to my parents.
Now on to your son. I think its great for him to like female things. and i think he should dress how he wants. here is a little bit of history for you. back in the 1800s boys his age wore dresses and this carried on till the early 1900s. so i say why not. girls get to wear. what every they like. but if a boy wears a dress now days stop the presses. What the problem today is people are afraid of change. and whats different from the norm. Now let me bring up a little story of a little girl named jaz. she is 8 years old and could not be more happy cause her parents let her become a girl full time. She is one of my idols. you should really check out the 20-20 special on her and a few other transgender kids.
December 30th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Boys have been wearing dresses or skirts here in the U.S. up til the early 1940’s (histclo.com). Most were little boys up to age 8 or 9, but there were some that went up into their early teens. Look on the internet (youtube, flickr, etc) and you will see a lot of boys wearing them, both inside their homes and out in public. They are not being forced to do this either. So what’s the big deal?
Actually skirts are a more appropriate style of clothing for boys or men. Since they are worn on the hip and drape to the knee or longer (except mini-skirts). They allow for greater movement since most men or boys have a longer stride then females. Skirts also give the same coverage as a boys/mans pair of shorts. Utilikilts are probably the best since they have cargo pockets, a fly and add a little more comfort. Most womens skirts don’t have pockets sewn into them, usually just the denim skirts.
So as you can determine I support skirts for boys or men. Guys should not have to go to the womens sections of department stores in order to but a skirt. The other thing it would give boys/men an option of a skirt and a t-shirt or a polo style shirt that would go or match what they are wearing. This would add to rather then replace the usual limited styles (pants, shorts, shirts) that guys are restricted to. For instance a man or a boy in a khaki skirt, yellow polo shirt, crew socks and sandals would look just as good as if they were dressed in a similar shorts outfit.
January 10th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Child psychologists are DANGEROUS. In Jr. high I was “diagnosed” as “mentally ill” because my socks weren’t an exact match. The mental “health” movement took the place of The Holy Roman Catholic Inquisition & the Protestant Witch Hunts. Ask that “woman” how her degree gives her immunity from “mental illness,” I dare you. No real physician claims his degree immunizes him from any illness. There is an exhaustively researched 33,753 word pdf at the url I list explaining to folks like #9 Amy how confused the Church is about clothes. Get this straight—skirts & trousers are not sex differences because they are only about having a waist & legs—anatomy common to both sexes. Bras & athletic supporters are sex differences. Boys in dresses in not unchristian, she only reasons by association to reach that “conclusion.” Meantime these “serious Christians” have their 11 year old daughters in blue jeans and have no regard for the “respect of persons” they practice. They want a MONOPOLY on skirts because of selfishness and THAT is a sin. If I had a son he’d be given the choice to wear skirts and I’d encourage him to do gymnastic feats of strength like the Iron Cross on still rings a REAL sex difference because females can almost never accomplish it. Someone is also forgetting that Roman soldiers wore SKIRTS and had no notion of being effeminate. You can’t arrogate style freedom to the female sex!!
January 14th, 2010 at 9:32 am
I once again see nothing wrong with boys wearing dresses or skirts. I’ve worn them since i was 11 yrs. of age. There is an alternative, especially if your concerned with him (your son) exposing himself since most boys don’t have a clue as to how to wear them or even sit in them. What is that you say. Well at marcus uniforms they sell skorts in 3 colors (non feminine) in sizes from 5 to 20.5. The cost is reasonable at $7 each. Skorts have built in shorts in matching colors. You should try this as an alternative to wearing regular skirts.
January 17th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Boys wearing skirts and dresses, disgusting. Whatever next, girls wearing pyjamas, jeans, trousers, and socks. All male clothing when I was a boy.
In our household I wear the skirts and my wife and daughter wear the trousers. Why? Well I dislike my package being squashed and sweaty when I’m sat down. I also like the aesthetics and feel of skirts.
I currently have on a lightweight wool kilt, full slip, long socks, cotton underpants, T shirt and a fleece jumper. The full slip gives a bit of extra warmth and feels nice against my legs and stops the wool itching. It has a nice bit of lace at the hem. Just because I’m a man doesn’t mean I don’t find lace pretty.
April 29th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
You are all talking about dresses. It’s not just the dresses. It’s the pretty dresses. It’s wearing the dresses that makes a little boy feel feminine. It’s a pre-adolecent boy who likes girls clothes that are “nasty”, and they don’t know why. Who knows what will happen. No therapist can tell you what to do. There is no cut and dry situation. One thing is for sure. A little boy who identifies with being a girl is confused, feels different, and needs to be understood. I am the parent of a 9 year old boy - who is a typical boy sometimes, but when we are home, in the confines of our home…he wants to wear unusual outfits that satisfy this urge - which who knows what or how it is. All I know is that my son could turn a rectangle piece of fabric into a halter, a skirt, a shawl, a dress and a midriff. He has a style - repressed as it may be. I will not encourage him, but I will not ever make him feel like he is doing anything wrong. I will tell him that it is important to understand that it is different than the norm, and that often makes people mean. I never stop telling him how much I love him. If he grows out of it, his life will no doubt be easier. If he becomes happy without hurting anyone, I will be thrilled. I wish this could be easier, and I wish there was an answer, but there are only parents that can find comfort in eachother - knowing how difficult this is to work out. My son will never question the love of his parents - no matter what he becomes…and as long as he’s loved, I will have done the right thing.
Judy
June 20th, 2010 at 5:25 am
I am a 13 year old boy, but I like wearing clothes related to the opposite gender. What people say that when a guy puts on an article of clothing for females they immediatly become gay and must die, is all an obstruction invented by this corrupt society, and corupt society is what REALLY must die. My Phycologist accepts my need to dress up. the so called “phycologist” you appointed your son/daughter to is actually a big fat lifeless bastard who only cares about money. that is the norm of corrupt social ideals. My decision to you, Let yourt soon be your daughter, let him dress up, let him become a her. I have a few friends at school who know my need to dress up and keep it secret, thats the true caring society that must replace the hateful corrupt society!
August 11th, 2010 at 11:36 am
i think when you said you saw a relief over his face, i think he was feeling better because it would stop the tension between your family, i think keeping him from what he loves to do isnt healthy, if that is who he is then he should be able to do what he wants with his life and self, those doctors dont know what they are talking about and they all pretty much go by old school scociety.
August 20th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
hi I am a 17 Year old Boy and I like to dress as a girl and wear make up but my mum, and dad don’t like it when I dress as a girl and my mum walked in the front door one day when I had a bra, pantys, a dress, and make up on. my mum told me to go wash it off right a way and to get rid of my girls clothing in the clothing bin, what she did not know until quite recently was that I keep the clothing and hit it but still used them from time to time.
about a week ago my mum found my stase of girls clothing and I got in a lot of truble.
if you have any way I can solve this problem please email me at world.war@hotmail.com
August 21st, 2010 at 6:58 am
I feel with you Vinnie, it is hard to have a mother who does not understand your needs.
If anyone has a solution for him, email him please. He can use all the support in the world!